Clarity

Everything I say in regards to this man has to be prefaced with the fact that I don’t want him back. Nor would I take him back given the chance. Which I have been given multiple times and adamantly refused. His love was nothing but an act. Never pure or true. Maybe a habit. An act of self preservation. Who knows.

What I do know, is my phone no longer rings. I’ve been conditioned to it ringing off the hook. Calls, messages, a game of a thousand questions and requests. I think about how miserable he must be. When you’re all alone and it all comes flooding back in. It’s so far gone, you can’t take anything back. Not with your family, your new reality or me. You realize, this will eat away at anyone’s soul, right? No need to convince me otherwise. We are all just human after all.

It’s misleading to feel as if you miss someone when you actually hate them. I was unhappy. Unfulfilled. Stifled. Every day, I felt taken advantage of. I was nothing but a caretaker and a maid. This lies, obviously, in my choice in men. I’ve never but once dated an equal. I’ve definitely never dated someone superior to me. But as of now, that is all I’ll ever be game for. You’re either on my level or you’ve far surpassed my ambitions. Only if those conditions were true, would I consider your companionship in life.

I am through and through and have always been an independent woman; highly successful, who never needed a man. I’ve been tricked and swindled and that is all.

The naive, innocent little girl in me just wanted a proper little family. A foundation built on honesty and trust. I admit that foundation was once and only once ruined by yours truly. A decade ago, with another man, the only one I can call an equal, who is still my best friend to this day. Who I also sadly regret hurting to this day. Both of our lives went on to become a series of disillusioned, failed relationships that didn’t measure up to what we had. We now trust no one and refuse for either of our lives to be complicated or clouded by others.

The rest purported to be better. They promised to never betray us, but all did. They chose to throw it all away, for fun. Life is many things, one of them fun. In between fun, my friends, there is reality. There is responsibility. Family. Integrity and dignity. Those are all conscious choices. For anyone, who still believes, love conquers all. That is false. Love does not supersede loyalty. Loyalty is everything. Loyalty conquers all.

I was dumb & I knew it was all too good to be true. I always questioned his love but sadly only because he gave me ample reason to. I should have listened to my inner voice. Gotten out a long time ago but I didn’t. His words were everything I wanted to hear and the actions that followed, something only nightmares could produce.

Two days prior to his officiated marriage, he called me crying. He was plagued with suicidal thoughts, shame and misery. Apologizing and professing his love. None of which mattered anymore. I could never agree to trying to work things out.

Of course, that shit will fuck you up. I wish I wasn’t fucked up about it but I am. Again, not because I wish we could have worked it out but because it’s literally insanity. Trying to understand someone’s psychosis is, if anything, only confusing and thoroughly impossible.

I go through moments, days and weeks of complete and utter happiness. Grateful to liberated of the burden, finally free. Filled with joy, enlightenment and indulging in all of life’s little pleasures. All the things I had to renounce over the years. Taking pride in my decisions, in the things I’ve achieved for myself.

And then, there are days where I wake up and ask myself why. WTF and why?!

This morning, for example, I want to cry but I wont.

Beyond the material there was more to you & to us. We used to wear our love on our sleeves and then you fucked up the 1st time around. At a time when I expected, desired and hoped you would be unwavering. After which I buried that shit somewhere, exercising extreme caution. I buried it so deep you struggled with it’s reality, I guess. Cowardice is all I can attribute that to in hindsight.

I chose solitude over suffering and being undervalued. I know, ultimately, I’m far from alone. There are hundreds, thousands and possibly millions just like me. Who are worth far more.

I’ve been told to practice patience and I am. It is just a matter of time until everything goes up in flames again. That is what you do, after all. You can run but you can’t hide. Try as you might you will fail. People don’t change. They are who they are, fundamentally.

You are defined by your character. There is no one on earth who can save you. Life will instead become numerous failed attempts at normalcy. Change is constant. It’s a daily choice. A daily sacrifice. A sacrifice some are obviously unwilling to make. But that is what change entails. Consciously, every day, I choose more. I want more.